It's on Record (Part II)

It’s always the same, first you hide your face and giggle like a little school-girl, and then you throw things at me telling me to “turn it off”. After that, you try to pretend like its not even there, and then I play right along. Suddenly you fall in love with the lens and then you can’t stop staring into it. If the timing is right, you do amazing things for the lens that you’d normally never do without it. What is this phenomenon?

I swear I don’t understand you at all. You’re the most complicated creation on earth, you know that? I really had to learn the hard way that “no” really does mean “yes” sometimes. Trying to figure out when those times are ain’t easy at all. I admit, I kind of feel guilty from time to time ignoring a blatant “no”, but shouldn’t it have turned out bad with a rejection? You played right along anyway, so I guess you meant yes?

I pray the day never comes when you say no and really mean it, if that day comes; I might never recovery from the guilt. I just want to have a good time, and I want you to be a part of it. I hate having to drag you to places all the time, you seem to enjoy yourself once you get there, so what’s the problem? Are you determined to be a boring person? Is your phunometer broken? Why is it you can’t simply be where you say you’ll be? Should I even bother calling you when I wonder where you are, it’s not like you’ll answer.

I have to be honest with you; this is getting quite bothersome my dear. Having to force you into having a good time is becoming very old. It’s only when I watch you on film am I convinced you are more fun then I give you credit for, but these moments are few. I smile when you smile at me, but I have to realize you are smiling at the camera, no me. It’s not so special anymore. It was you I cared about a long time ago, I really did, but you didn’t like to come out and play with me as much as I did you.

So now, all I care about is the girl on film. She is everything I wanted, everything I hoped you would be, but you and she are not the same. Beyonce understands; she even made a song about it. I’ve never been a fan of Beyonce until that very day, but I admit I loved her as “Foxy Cleopatra” in Gold Member. What am I saying? She knows, as much as I don’t truly care for her music, I do appreciate that she truly understands “me”? It was always about you, but you made it about “you”. Still don’t get it huh?

Well, I guess I can never have you back. Maybe you’re gone forever, but at least I have it on record.

-streetpoet007

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Perfect 10

So the story goes kinda like this, I see girl, I think girl looks amazing, I think girl looks a little TOO amazing, I am pretty convinced girl is the finest thing I’ve ever seen, I conclude I could never hook up with girl in 1000 years, I leave girl alone for now. As funny as this all may sound, I went even farther with it after I was able to review some of her previous work. I said to myself, “This girl doesn’t like guys, I can tell”.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know you are thinking that I probably made this excuse up as a way of making myself feel better about her being out of my league; I even thought I was doing this, but the more I saw her work, the more I said to myself “There is no man on earth who could pull that, there can’t be… she has to be gay, there is no other possible plot twist to this story”! If in fact there was a time she was straight (which I doubt), I am sure the guy who was lucky enough to be her man was blessed by the heavens, and I seriously hate him if he exists.

Aside from the comedy of this interesting circumstance, I actually had the chance to confirm my suspicions on a few occasions, and it gets worse. It appears that if she does like just girls, they ALSO have to be hot-as-hell too! WOW! So now I’m like, if you are a guy who’s interested in her, you have to look better then or equal to her or your S.O.L. This is all running through my mind every-so-often, and it always starts with me having to review her portfolio for one reason or another. So I say to myself, “I want to employ her for some of my own projects, I need a closer look at this mysterious woman”.

Please don’t forget, I had already made up my mind that there could never be anything between us, I mean… she’s amazing. Perfect smile, perfect legs, perfect feet, perfect build, perfect hair, perfect voice, perfect vocabulary and a perfect walk, just… perfect everything. This girl is so perfect that when she walks past, you can feel her ambiance penetrate your spirit, then set it on fire right after! She’s a bad biish, and I kid you in NO such way! However, in this strange turn of events when her and I where able to make direct contact… it was different.

On a usual day she seems distant, avoidant, flaky, and phony… sort of like she is being nice because it’s what people do, not necessarily because that’s the person she is. Now this may seem like something a hater would say, and don’t get me wrong, I probably was one at first, but this time it was different. I think for the first time she actually saw me, not when you physically see someone because they are in front of you, no, not like that. I think she actually “saw” me, I say that in the manner as if “I stood out from the crowd”.

Of course this could have been my vivid imagination, and I didn’t doubt that one bit, but it was when she came back to hang around for a while was I totally sure. “No way…” I said to myself, “No f**kin’ way…”. If I actually managed to pull this rare jewel, it would feel like winning the “pick-6 lotto”, I would probably pass the hell out, and wake up in an ambulance. Naw, seriously though, I would excuse myself to the restroom and celebrate like a mad-man though. Finally, it was when I smiled at her that I was sure my suspicions where accurate, and when her almost as equally gorgeous girlfriend had come, drag her away, and gave me the “ice grill” it was a wrap.

If this story ends the way I think it will, no one, and I mean “not a damn soul” can tell me I ain’t GAWD. I’m not really into chasing dreams though; I’m more interested making them a reality… I tell you one thing though, I’m not into sabotaging relationships or coming between people, but if on some odd day she comes to me poppin’ that lip gloss in my ear, the word “no” will not be escaping my mouth. She better watch her girlfriend… closely…

…and here I am droppin’ dimes.

-Shaum

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Palace of Jade

I always admired a place that had that welcoming feeling; you know, never having to say, “Sorry about the mess” or “I didn’t have time to clean”. I guess I can say I just like tidy people, even though I am not one of them myself. To be honest, I am kind of borderline in a way, when I get tired of seeing a mess and it looks to be getting out of hand, I’ll clean it up. I don’t just clean by picking up the mess though, I get down and dirty, white-glove and everything. What’s the point of all this you ask? Allow me to explain…

You see, not to long ago I had met this young lady at the Alexandria Recreation Center while on business. Though she was awkward, and kind of off-beat, she was super-cute and I wanted to get to know her. She kind of reminded me of how I was in middle school into my freshman high school year; because of that, I knew all the right buttons to push to get her yapping. It was amazing to see all the little sign and signals she gave off, just like I would have when I was younger. I couldn’t play with her for too long though, as business called, and he being like me around my younger years, there was no way to close the deal… or so I thought.

I admit, she was a LOT smarter then “younger me” and found an excuse to give me her contact info by making it about business. “Well thank you darling for taking all the awkwardness out of that part of the game miss-lady” I thought. With a big smile I accept and be sure to bid her farewell before making a sexy exit. With a few games of hit and miss, I finally make contact. She was good though, I have to give her credit, having a party and inviting me to it as yet another excuse to give me her address. I had to think for a moment… “Why wasn’t I this smart at my younger age”, but then again, just because she reminded me of my younger self, doesn’t mean she was as naïve.

I was beginning to like this girl and I hardly knew her. Now keep in mind, I am annoyed by neat-freaks just as much as the next “messy person”, but I had to admire the idea that she cared enough about her things to preserve them in a manner to where they almost looked new, even if she has had them for years. From that moment I decided I wanted to be more like her, and ever since I have been working on becoming more meticulous when it comes to stuff that belongs to me. I assume she could see I was trying hard to respect her “life-style”, and she was humorously smitten enough to grab me by the cheeks and lay a playful lip-smack on me.

Everything just seemed to flow, and her awkward persona and off-beat energy just seemed to match my own. It was like I’ve known her forever. Everything about her was clean and neat; her house, her personality, her swagger, among other things, just squeaky-clean. I guess I can legitimately say that mamii was fresh-to-death, and in the process her once pretty jade eyes reminded me more of “mint freshness” then “clover leaves”. I wish I could have stayed around longer, but I try not to mess around with women who are engaged, sorry, gotta bounce!

-Shaum

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The mating game.

I know she wonders about me often, but there was a time she never gave me a second thought. She did like me, but probably not like that. Things have changed over the past few weeks, words have been said, timing was on my side, circumstances presented themselves as opportunity, and things happened. Maybe it was fate; maybe it was a dice roll, who can say really? The important thing now is to let things flow in the direction best for her and me, I won’t leave it to chance anymore.

It was around a good time when I was busy making things happen for myself (and my circle of associates), when she so happened to fall into my life again. When I say she, I don’t mean “her” specifically, you see, she changes clothes like the weather changes conditions. Of course she was looking her best that day, but then again, so was I. Even though I’m not one for competitions, “let the games begin”. I don’t like to play, but I do like to win, and she forces my hand every time.

“I just want to get along with you” I say over and over, but it’s never that simple, until I show her yet again I cannot be beaten. “The reason I beat you is because I know all your weaknesses” I tell her. When I go to kiss her after watching her eyes quiver, she turns her head away from me. I haven’t forgotten anything about you, didn’t you know that I love your neck and collarbone just as much as your lips? I guess you didn’t remember I found that your birthmark on your shoulder was tender to the touch?

I enjoy each and every part of you to an equal degree, and that is why you look at me that way. The guy who was your second or third choice is looking ever-more-appealing right now, but it was never me to begin with, it was you, it was always you. When I pull the strap off your shoulder, the rubbing of fabric over your skin is like nothing you have felt before. This is the brief moment you get to look into the mirror and see the parts of you that go overlooked. This is why I make you tremble; you are feeling your own radiance.

Now when I tell you how delicious you look in black, you believe me, and not only do you become a better woman, it makes you high. I know you will run off and try to find this stimulating sensation from an easier target, but you won’t find it anywhere else. The reason you won’t find it has nothing to do with me being one-of-a-kind, no, not at all. You won’t find it anywhere else, because the desire lies with-in. I know you’re afraid of me now, but let me into you once more, and I’ll show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

…And believe when I say, it gets pretty deep…

-Shaum
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You betta’ shop around! (Part II)

I can’t say this is the first time I've ever left the grocery store with more then just the things I came to pay for, but it was certainly the most interesting. Just as I was about to check out, I had remember I wanted some seafood salad and herbed scooper chips to eat it with. In all this last minute running around, trying to get out before the rush, I just went ahead and ordered cheese as well. Waiting on my order, I turned around to see how the lines where looking, and there she was…

A rather short girl, with pretty glowing skin, rosé pink lips, a perfect smile and the most sparkly-deep eyes I’ve ever seen. It was like she was looking right back at me at the same time. The funny part was when I tried to look away like she was just part of the whole picture, but damn she stole the show, and I just couldn’t move my neck, like she was drawing me in with a magnetic force. I simply had to look down and away to break her spell, but I kept trying to peek out the corner of my eye.

The last thing I needed was a new girl in my life to complicate an already rocky situation. Plus, she was kind of short and WAY too cute to be a “nice girl”; I could smell her mischief from where I was standing. I guess this is the part where I make a comparison of her being a nice, juicy, well-stacked cheese burger staring me in the face, when I am supposed to be dieting. In all my strength I simply said to myself, “you know what, I know what you’re thinking, but just let it go; there will be another time, but just not today”.

I felt this calm after talking to my inner self, and opening my eyes to gather my thoughts, but there she was, standing right next to me, trying to decide what she wanted to grab from the lunchmeat section. I could see some older guy she came in with peeking around the corner, checkin’ up on her an' $#!t; It kinda’ made me mad, I wasn’t planning on messin’ with this girl, so why are you grillin’ me. It was really self guilt, as when I think about it now, I was only resisting her charms, I wasn’t necessarily immune.

Now was the time to move, but my feet had cement in them, and when I heard her speakin’ out loud to herself like she was having just the hardest time making up her mind, I suckered myself into just wanting to hear her voice, and when I finally did, it was a “hey”. All I could do was clumsily returning the sneaky hello that turned into shady conversation, as if we both had something to hide. I seemed to catch on to her clever plan to side-talk and browse, how I knew how to play this game is beyond me.

It finally ended with the guy having to physically come get her before she would leave, but not before slipping me a crumbled-up receipt. “Wow… I wonder what this is” I thought. Just when I get out of the f**king frying pan, I jump into the gawd-damn fire. This isn’t going to end well, I just know it, but everything in my id is telling me to play along.

Just when I was going to toss that paper ball into the cracks of the cooler, a vision of her bare navel popped in my mind… and how much I just wanted to kiss it… just once, maybe… Just when I think I have it all figured out, here I go again. F**k my life...

-Shaum

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You betta’ shop around!

Now that I’ve began doing my daily workouts, I need to start eating better foods. I’ve always had low body fat, but I need even less if I want my muscles to show and my skin to tighten up. I finally found a person to model after, mostly because there are a certain type of abs I want. I know having a six-pack will be nice, but I’m more interested in having eagle-wings and a slightly define abdomen. I think it will make me more unique, and I think it will be sexier. However, just like my tattoos, I’ll seldom show them off, so only girls who are close to me will get to see them… unless of course I decide to go swimming next summer.

In all my transition, I kinda felt like I was out of place, either I was doing too much and getting the wrong kind of attention, or not doing enough and getting missed and passed over. I found my nice little sweet-spot where I get only the attention I want, and avoid all the attention I don’t need. I usually can never find such balance in things I have no real experience in, but I guess the answer to the question I was searching for is… take your time, and build yourself up like you would anything else. First you lay the bricks, then you lay the bonding, and then you repeat the process, a building doesn’t create itself, nor is it put up in one day, it takes time and work.

In the same breath I had to shake off some dead-weight. Really I had to separate the types of women I was dealing with in three groups. They where the kind that kept me around because it was easy, who really probably had no plan on being with me in the first place. Then there where the ones who I talk to every now and again, who are in relationships and keep me around as a back-up incase $#!t goes bad for them. Then lastly, the few who had the potential to be good partners, genuinely liked me, or who fell into the cracks because I was too distracted with girls I shouldn't have been dealing with. It was tempting to just pull the plug on those who I made my mind up about and just do a large dumping, but that’s not how it works, and I’m glad I didn’t.

What I found out from the experience, is that a lot of the women I was accusing of being cold and flaky where only acting that way because I was acting that way. They thought that it would get my attention, because they didn’t know how else to do it. Then there where some who where just flaky to begin with; I had to except that, had I just did $#!t arbitrarily because I was feelin’ ma’self at the time, I would have made a lot of bad choices in one sitting. This is when I realized that even though perception might seem like reality, it sometimes is just what you WANT to see, and it’s not what REALLY is. I’m sure I might have let go a few people who might not have had it coming to them, but I am certain there wheren't many, as I was as careful as I could humanly be with my choices.

It was usually the things that where cheap, easy and taste good that where the things for me, sort of like the things I used to eat. Now that I’m trying to improve myself, I have to find things that might be more expensive, and might even take more effort to cook and prepare, but taste just as good, or better. The most important thing though, is that it’s just all together better for me. So now I can truly say that I pick ma’ friends like I pick ma’ fruit… cuz I actually do that now. All this is running through my mind as I finish filling up my shopping cart; I guess it’s moments like these that you get to do the most soul searching, and boy am I ever glad moments like these exist.

-Shaum

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Tough love.

That’s what it’s all about these days. When you’re a good dude like me, everybody want to toss their luggage at you, tryin’ to get you to carry their $#!t, and just as soon as you call em’ on it, they got everything in the world to say but how they are REALLY feelin’, and admitting what they did. It doesn’t just apply to relationships with friends and family either, it’s especially a problem in mutual relationships. Sometimes you just have to remind the other person “you don’t have to be there”, and even thought I don’t like threatening other people, sometimes you just gotta do it.

It seems to be weird for me that way; everything seems to apply to everything else when I finally get “it”. I mean, it’s even like that when the lights go out, or you’re tryin’ to get-it-in till the early morn’; sometimes you just gotta get a little rough to get the results you want. There was a time when I really didn’t want to hurt other people when I was in a fight, but it cost me my self-esteem and permanent scars when I was more concerned for the other person then my own self, but when I realized that my well being was what mattered most, forcing a person to say uncle, and nearly snapping their bone in two wasn’t so hard anymore. I didn’t like it, but it had to be done.

So I admit, there was a time when I thought that purposely making a lover scream your name, or provoking her to tell you “who’s pu**y it is” (when it’s obviously hers); and other such derogatory mannerisms, where just too abrasive, selfish, and just down right “not nice”. The new me/myself/I realizes that sometimes, it simply must be done. Maybe it makes me seem like some territorial dog, or maybe even an egotistical @$$, but at the end of the day, it gets $#!t done; and you simply cannot argue with results. Who would have known that sometimes, a person actually likes having their spirit broken, their walls busted in, or even their power taken away. I guess they need that.

It never really ‘has’ ever applied to me, I am, and will always probably be a gentle creature by nature. However, the more I begin to search for the things that make me happy, the more I find that I have to be a tougher person, a territorial hound, a keen snake and other shady characters that I don’t enjoy taking the role of. I must admit though, at times, on those odd days, it actually becomes quite a fun venture; simply becoming (for a short moment) an entirely different person. I guess it’s almost like a mask in some ways; me never really being fond of them, I guess I am beginning to see the enjoyment.

So if I torture this woman with pleasurable antics, rather then love her slowly as my conscious self would, she will love me much harder, and even leak this admiration into a form of respect? The dynamics of human behavior never cease to amaze me; I’m almost convinced I’m not of this world. The more I delve into the depths of this unique place, the more lost I become in its tangled web. In the meantime, I can only but enjoy the idea that she now wants me more then other things, and the idea that she is practically begging for me at times make me feel like some kind of god.

I know at the root of it all, it’s just an illusion, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying every minute of it. Is this what they mean by “payin’ the cost to be the boss?”

-Shaum

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See, now that’s kinky!

These are the usual school days that start off slow, and quickly pick up in pace after a few days. Everybody is getting to know each other, the teacher forces you to awkwardly introduce yourself to the class (as if it makes things any easier) and everyone pretty much stays in the cliques they where in last year, until they move on to the next. Yeah, school is pretty much the same familiar bulls**t that gets old quick, but you just have to tolerate.

Unlike most normal people around that time, I refused to make the best out of a bad situation, or to make it worse. All I did was just exist, and remind myself of how much this experience suck’d, so I could work my a** off to get out of it. However, as we all know, school is like jail, if you’re not down with a clique, you’re the “mark”. Things where different when I started going to collage though, I had decided to make a lot of changes in the way I did things early on, so I was pretty much in a good place by the end of the first semester.

You see, school is all about useless bulls**t and popularity contests, and gettin’ people to believe yours, no matter how useless it becomes once you leave. In a way, I started to see the benefits in creating some fake a** façade to carry you through the day and actually make you look forward to coming back at times. Yeah, it was the girls. You see, even though I was under the illusion that girls where smart enough to tell the difference between bulls**t and real s**t, they can’t. Well, I was sort of right, they can, but they can also force themselves to buy into fake s**t for the sake of… well.. I don’t know.

For some reason girls listen to the opinions of their friends more then their own personal values and beliefs, so if a girls friends hear so-and-so about you, then s**t, it must be true. So if rumors are going around that I’m smashin’ fine a** teachers, and the baddest b**ch in school, you best believe I’ll shoot up to the A-list, even if this wanting damsel had never once batted an eye for me before. Even though me and that teacher only had lunch together, and me and **** where just friends, who was I to tell her different? Usually I’d set the record straight when people got me twisted, but to hell with that today.

So if a caramel chica with kinky locks tells me to pull her by the hair and call her a b**ch, well, I guess that’s what I have to do. If you want to brag to all your girlfriends about how great I was last night, that’s fine too, even if I’ve never been with you before. I’m not usually one for all the bogus rumors and fake bulls**t, but every time the girl with the kinky locks strolls up beside me and grabs ma’ arm like I’m her man, I just gotta’ take one for the team. Just when you think you might have found the one, she introduces you to her friends, who just happen to be even more clueless then she is.

Well, I guess I’ll be taking them all to lunch then, won’t I?

-Shaum

She’s got skillz!

Ever since I started doin’ book work, I don’t exercise like I used to. Ma’ goal was to get cut-up for da’ summer; ‘cause dem college gals was always askin’ me to go swimmin’ with em’. I just didn’t feel right about it bein’ outta shape and all. I was just thinkin’ about how much fun it would be to have the girlies at the pool ooglin’ ove ma’ body. I gotta say though, it all came back to me when I started hangin’ out with this one athletic chica who could run faster then me, for longer then me, and probably do anything else better them me.

I was kinda embarrassed that I was bein’ outdone by a girl, but it was a good lesson in humility. She motivated me to go to the gym with her and her friend every-so-often, and it was fun for a while, until the fatigue started to set in from all the long hours from work. I had to start takin’ vitamins and $#!t like that to keep ma’ energy level up, or I was gonna crash. This chic did everything, from stair-steppin’, to treadmill drills, to yoga (which I liked watchin’ er’ do); she was a machine. The best part of the week was when I started to actually be able to keep up with her, and she notices with a nice grin.

I was starting to like how ma’ arms looked, and I started to show off ma’ tats more. It’s funny how I never noticed that the gym was a pick-up spot until I started takin’ ma’ shirt off. It got even funnier when I started to realize that the work-outs me and ma’ friend where doing was a sort of bonding experience. To be honest, I thought it was just innocent fun; really, I’m not jokin’. I met some nice young ladies there; all of them where probably stronger then my newbie @$$.

As summer time came closer, the girls started tak’n off more clothes and I was close to the build I wanted, things got a bit more interesting with me and ma’ new buddy. I don’t know when it is a girl becomes comfortable with doing questionable stretchin’ while your lookin’ dead at ‘er, but gawd bless those types. Seriously, the type of ways she could bend her body was just… WOW. There where times I wanted to stop what I was doing and just tamper with the routine, but in all my strength I didn’t.

I have to admit, the more time I spent around this girl, the more attracted to her I became. It had gone beyond the “yeah, she looks good” phase, this was different. I wasn’t ever gonna ask her on a date or anything; I guess I had just gotten too intimidated by our supposed friend barrier. I was comfortable with that idea, even though I still wondered what she would say if I had ever asked. It was just an odd day that she just stopped workin’ out and told me she was going to her room; with a discouraged voice I said “alright then”, that was until she asked if I wanted to come with er’.

God bless ‘er soul.

-Shaum

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Girls who like girls.

I was always curious as to how this worked, do girls look at other girls like I do, or do they look at em’ differently. I mean, if a sexy lady with a nice @$$ walks past, do they look at her like I would look at er’, or is it somethin’ else to this. I just had to know, and when the opportunity came up to give a lesbian lady the 3^rd degree, I didn’t pull any punches. Now keep in mind, ladies tend to speak in code, it’s like they can’t just say what they really want to say unless they’re tipsy, so I had that part taken care of.

So I start to ask her a list of question off the top, makin’ sure to sit next to er’ in a nice and comfy barstool setting, a few drink in er’, and some serious game. I know she didn’t like guys the same way she would moisten up to a fine lady, but I know every woman has a mode, so I had to bring er’ there to get answers. Most of it was layers of bulls**t about emotional attachment and metal sex, blah blah blah, but as she got more liquor in her veins, the truth game out hard.

I couldn’t believe half the things she was telling me, I mean, I know the types of things I would love to do to a sexy dime piece, but I wasn’t nearly on the level she was wit’ it. I had to take mental notes because I was convinced that the s**t she was on would definitely turn a b**ch out. I was always under this impression that dudes where nastier then girls where when it came to “gettin’ it in”, but holy f**k was I wrong. I mean, she really started feelin’ er’self… like literally.

Really, I gotta admit that she kinda drew me in with the detail she was droppin’, and the drinks seem to make her forget I wasn’t her type, if you know what I mean. I was too close to throwing morality out tha’ window, but ma’ boy snapped me back into reality and reminded me that her girl was just in the next room. I didn’t want to break up a perfectly good relationship just cuz I got caught up, but I can’t say I don’t regret it either; at the same time, I kinda feel like I cheated ma’self out. I don’t know.

What I do know, is that girls that like other girls can get down and dirty on a level I never thought possible. I even found out that they have their own sexy s**t, like porn collections of girls makin’ it clap. I was like, WTF? You always find something good when you peel back that fake layer girls like to floss in da’ public eye; but when you pull dat’ curtain back, you better be ready for what comes at you. Dem types of girls go hard as s**t, and it’s no wonder I like em’ so damn much.

Too bad it can’t ever be more then just a fling, and I’m so serious right now.

-Shaum

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Cookin’ witcha’ boy.

There was a lot that needed to be done that day, I was on a roll, shakin’ this, bakin’ dat; it was like clockwork. There’s no tellin’ what I might do when I’m in the kitchen, but I hookz it up er’y once in a while, just ask around. On one occasion I was told how good my cooking smells by a cute young thing, a bit taller then me by a couple inches; supreme in stature. I particularly liked her because she was straight forward, honest, and an all-around good girl. I promised er’ I’d let her share the kitchen with me one day, and I did.

Most people might not know this, but cookin’ is a very sensuous act of recreation, if not done properly in both initiation and completion, some things just might seem a little off. You see, me, I put love in ma’ cookin; I take ma’ time, let things marinate, season ever so lightly and allow the food to take a life of its own. The smell that comes from what I’m cookin’ is created by the constant state of one ingredient try’n ta absorb the other, even ‘hough they’re two different things.

That day, the smell was like an aphrodisiac, I could see er’ sweatin from the heat of the stovetop, and rollin’ er’ neck around like she was feelin dizzy. I swear every time she did that, I wanted to just go over to her and rub ma finger over it. I wanted to ask her the universal question “er’thing alright?”, but I was feeling the effects too, and when I rolled ma neck around, I saw er’ look at me in a way that made the kitchen seem warmer then it already was. She bit down on her lip and tuned away from me to grab the colander.

I couldn’t help myself, I felt ma’ body glide’n over to where she was at, and I just scooped her up in ma arms; I could feel her fall into me like she belonged der’. When she showed her neck to me again, I just had to bite it, so I did, but just a little. It was like she was makin’ a special sauce of ‘er own, I could taste it off ‘er throat; it was mild but yummy; a flavor I had never come across before. I could feel er’ tremble with starvation for something more heavy on her stomach and when she push’d her backside into me, I pretty much knew what it was.

Have you ever tried to entertain a lady an’ stir marinara sauce at the same time? If you haven’t, you should.

-Shaum

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40/40 Club.

I was sittin’ on the curb noddin’ ma’ head to that new “###-#” album flowin’ from the I-pod; the pavement was under ma feet, I could feel it quake when I tapped it to solid foundation. The music seemed to get louder without the volume button, and I started to zone out. I was lookin’ to the blackness of the streets until it started to fade away, and I could see through everything. $#!t started to make sense now, all the questions I used to ask before all started to come back to me. “I got this” I said.

I had to take a walk to get wind of the times, it was the perfect day. Minus the music player, I could still hear the words from the Professor of vocal dexterity; he was beastin’ on the mic tellin’ his life story. I understood; he was on another level all together. You gotta choose, or let your life choose for you. I wasn’t mad, but I had to get serious now, cuz he was droppin’ jewels I heard before, but I didn’t listen to. I was listenin’ now. “I need answers “###”, what are you tryin’ to tell me?”

I had to keep walkin’, I had to take off ma shirt cuz it was getting’ hot out there, but then I finally heard, no I listened. I stood in the middle of the street and really started to look around. “Nobody else gets it” I thought, and people honk their horns. I moved out of the way, and when they pass by and go to curse me, the energy knocks them off balance; they feel it too but don’t understand it. I was liberated when my eye opened up, I was tempted to throw up a diamond, but I knew what it really was…

I looked down to study who I really was, and it was just a costume, the real me was the one who finally saw the truth. This costume wasn’t enough, it might have seemed like it, but that was an illusion. “It’s a gateway” I said aloud. “It’s like the same thing when you’re tipsy”, I was just high on ma’self for a while. This was a crash course and I just so happened to hit the brakes before I slammed into a brick wall. I felt relieved, almost as if I almost stepped into an open manhole but stopped to tie ma shoes.

“I’m starting to see what I need to do” I though to myself, it’s a challenge on two ends of the spectrum, and conquering just one isn’t enough. I can’t call myself anything close to elite until I achieve such greatness; only then can I comfortably dwell among the greats who did it before me. I wish I could feel this way all the time, but that is much too difficult for me. After I absorb it all, I turn around to head home and set things in order.

“Damn, I hope they reserved me a seat; I just need a little more time.”

-Shaum

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Brownie Points.

I went out late for about an hour or so to pick up some cough drops and Theraflu, cuz I wasn’t feelin’ too hot this morning. I still wanted to make some of my special spinach wraps, for ma new “friend” so she could tastes some of my culinary recipes. It was weird though, I kinda felt like everyone was watchin’ me when I was shoppin’ at the store, but when I looked up to see if they were, they weren’t. So I just shrugged it off and went about ma business. I must be goin’ crazy.

When I finally got to the meat daily, I asked the girl for the usual cuts. Today was weird though, cuz she kept givin’ me extra meat and cheese and $#!t, talkin’ bout how she just went ahead and added so on and so forth. She was extra nice to me. I tried my best not to look at her with my shocked eyes, but I’m sure she can get fired for doing that, but I made sure to give her the biggest smile and thank you I could, cuz really, she didn’t have to hook me up like that.

So then I go to the pharmacy (after a short trip to the fabric store), this is where I got all the medicine and stuff from, and I went to ask the girl behind the pharmacy desk where the Theraflu was, and she was lookin’ at me in a weird way too, she was one of those gorgeous dark skinned Eastern girls, anyhow she finally got out what she was trying to say, and everything seemed to be going wrong for her after that, so I kinda tip-toed away to buy the stuff up front instead. I felt like I was giving her bad luck for some reason, yeah I know it’s stupid, but whatever.

Then I get up front, pay for ma stuff, and the girl at the counter asks me if I want a brownie. I was gonna say no, cuz all I wanted was the medicine but she just “threw it in the bag” and smiled. She was lookin’ back and forth like a thief, and I wasn’t sure what to say. When she says “let me know how it tastes ok” in her Latin accent, I just smiled as best I could, and walked out the store hoping not to set off the thief alarm. I don’t know why people want to give away free $#!t all of sudden, but I can’t complain.

AT the end of the day, because everyone was so nice to me today, I’ll keep their faces in mind the next time we meet. I guess I can officially say “thanks you guys, I owe you one”. Oh, and just so you know, it was an “Oreo Cookie brownie” she gave me, and it was good as hell, you should definitely try em’ some time; I mean they are REALLY gOOd!

-Shaum

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Instant girlfriend-101?

Anyone who knows me has the general idea of what I’ve been up to. I was kinda lookin’ to meet a nice girl, but at the same time I wasn’t sure if I could. Meeting nice girls is tough these days, or maybe it’s just me, I don’t know. Today was kind of a weird day for me mostly because all the stuff I had planned on doing got canceled, and I wound up doin’ hella shoppin’ when I only went out to get some new kickz.

So it goes like this, I’m out and about to do some buyin’ and like clockwork, the first store I walk in has exactly what I’m lookin’ for. I mean, I did want some shell-top ADIDAS and all, but the Polo’s will do just fine, plus they match the pants I bought them for better anyway. I was goin’ to the next store to see if they had the strings I wanted to switch out with, and two girls sittin’ on a bench outside the store where eyein’ me down.

I was gonna walk around the bricks to avoid em’ and just sneak into the shop, but they busted me tryin’ to get away and called me out. I was kinda like “damn, I’m not phresh enough to be talkin’ to no girls right now”. So I smiled to them and just gave a “wuz up” nod and they started laughin’ at me. So now I’m like, “Oh, these chics iz trippin’. Oh ok.” and walked into the store mindin’ ma own business.

Come to find out these chics followed me inside the store, and start watchin’ me and $#!t, I was talkin’ to one of my homeboys I used to work with a while back who worked there now, and they just kinda faded into the background after that. I started laughin’ it off and ask’d ma boy if they had the shoes I was lookin’ for and so on, so he suggested the Polo’s. So I walk out the shop, and bam, there those two devilish chics where, waitin.

So one of them is yammerin’ on the phone and the other is just lookin’ at me like I had somethin’ stabbed in ma forehead; I started speakin’ to ‘em and apparently the girl talkin’ on the phone wanted to holla at me, and her girlfriend was doin’ all the talkin’, so I was confused, and just went along with it. So when I start talkin’ to the one girl on the phone, it was weird, cuz she was tryin’ to talk to 2 people at once, and she just seemed too flaky to me.

So while I’m trying to talk my way into finding an escape route, the other girl blindsides me with a kiss to the side of ma mouth, I guess she missed, and she got super-close to me. So I put my hands on her hips to move her out the way to see the other girl, but she kept blockin’ ma view and kissed me again (the right way this time) and again until I got caught up and kissed her back. I was peekin’ out ma eyes to see what the other girl was doin’. But I guess the kissy one knew and locked her arms ‘round ma neck like a bear trap.

I guess I have a new girlfriend now? I don’t know. All I have is a phone number written on ma hand like I’m back in middle school again or somthin’. I really don’t know what to think, because that was like the weirdest $#!t that has ever happened to me this year. Something is telling me that I should have enjoyed that experience, but I’m still tryin’ to digest what just happened to me. Maybe once I sleep on it things will make sense later.

I’m not sure what the hell it is I’m doin’ all of a sudden, but damn, it must be right… I think?

-Shaum

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Damn baby, that’s tight!

Now, I don’t know about you, but me, I like me some tight spandex pants on a beastin’ body. I just do, I mean, I could tell you why, but you’d never understand. It’s kinda like tryin to tell you all the reasons why you should watch football/WWE with me on Sunday instead of the Lifetime channel. It’s like try’na explain to Kanye West, the meaning of the word “moderation”. You just won’t get it.

The thing that made me bring this up is the ridiculous questions you ladies ask when I say I like somethin’ or I don’t. Askin “why” is bad enough. I mean seriously woman, I know you looked in the mirror before you came out tha house today, you know why I’m lookin at you, and it’s not because I’m wondering how intelligent you are. I would love to find that out later though, but first I need a closer look at that lovely package you got ther’.

I want to ask you a question now, how in-the-f**k did you get those tights on? I mean it’s not like I’m complainin’, but damn, just… look at that $#!t, it’s impressive all by itself, not even adding in the fact that your lookin right as $#!t, but gawd damn! You know what? I’ll make it simple for you. “I like the way you’re dressed right now because it looks like you just have on a shirt, no pants, and somebody just painted a bunch of pretty flowers and roses on your fine, juicy, delicious lookin’ buttocks.”

Seriously though, there is no way to tell you how right you look without sounding offensive, better yet, if I even tried to sound romantic, or sophisticated wit’ it, It would sound corny as $#!t, and phony as $#!t. I remember everyone was trippin’ off me messin’ with a blonde chick a while back, but this was the reason why I was so crazy about her @$$. I mean, did you see how she was lookin’ on those odd days? I gotta admit I was the one who bought her those tight black yoga pants, and damn was it worth it!

The point is, I’m not as shallow as you may think, and I don’t just like a girl for one thing. Tights are just my kryptonite, I can’t help it; that’s just the way it is. How about I do you one better and let you in on a secret. If you ask me to do somethin’, or I’m mad at you and you want to have things ya way, just toss on a pair of skin-tight sweatpants and sit on ma lap. I promise I’ll do anything you ask.

Seriously, I will… no bull$#!t.

-Shaum

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Yeah, she’s really, really high.

It‘s like I want to take credit for something that had everything to do with luck and nothing to do with me. I can’t deny that I’ve been on ma’ P’s & Q’s as of late, and ma attention to detail is a lot better then it used to be. Only thing is, I do less thinkin’ then I used to, and more… well doin’. Maybe it’s a good thing, or maybe it’s bad, or maybe it’s a bad thing that only “looks” good for now. I can’t tell anymore, well, I never could tell before either, but now I’m in the mix, so finding this $#!t out soon would be nice.

Everything is a theme now; I even put an old toothbrush to ma kickz and that ain’t like me at all. Could it be I’m doin the whole peacock feather number or am I just luckin’ out suddenly? Maybe I should stop askin’ questions all together and just accept it for what it is, but that’s not like me either. I’m not the same guy anymore… I mean this for real. I don’t even know who I am anymore, but at the same time I’m not really scared by it like I should be. Actually, to be honest, it’s kinda fun bein’ well… me I guess.

So I guess this means if I’m Ziploc fresh, everything else is airtight? How can it be this easy though, it’s never been this easy? It’s tempting to see how far you can go when tha’ platter is just laid out in front of ya and you didn’t even raise a finger to ask for it, but hell… I can’t say I don’t like the gesture. I remember when touching all the right places was the way to get it done, but now just touchin’ on me gets it done? This doesn’t make sense to me anymore. Girls are weird, life is weird, everything is weird.

So you mean to tell me, that all the effort I ever put into the chase was just a waste of time? All I had to do was put a tiny bit of effort into throwin’ up Oh’s and the X’s all fall into place. I feel cheated as $#!t, and you wanna know somethin’ else, even though I’m glad I found a solid cornerstone, I don’t like how it looks. I almost want to rebel at the simplicity of the matter I once thought very complex. Life, “yeah, I’m talkin to you. You suck.” I gotta laugh though, cuz this $#!t is funny to me too.

Is it me? Am I really startin’ to peel this game apart or is life playin games? I get tired of askin’ a question with no answer to it; maybe I should stop asking. I guess it helps knowing that life is high as $#!t the entire time she is pointing and laughing at you, I mean really, REALLY high; but I’m finally starting to realize what my mistake was I actually took her seriously.

-streetPoet007

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Victoria’s Secret.

When I found out what it was, it hit me like a Mac Truck, better yet, it hit me like a punch from Kimbo Slice. I mean damn, “Is it like that?” I thought. You see, there was a time when I thought things in life where pretty simple, either you where doin’ your thing or you weren’t; it was supposed to be that easy. Come to find out there where more levels to it. You could also be doin’ your thing or doin’ it big as well. Since I wasn’t even doin’ my thing, how would I know doing it “big” ever existed?

As a 'decided' master of destiny, I made a choice to start doing ma’ thing; even though it took me a while to catch on to how the game was played, I did rather well for a guy with no role models to teach me. All the things I ever learned where from my momz and the company of women, so the advice I got was pretty useless. There was no real-world environment where the techniques they showed me would work, and I only ended up losing out on good things.

So what am I talkin’ bout? I’m speakin’ on premium grade, I’m discussin’ diamond status, I’m talkin’ jewelry report, and I’m professing the highlife to all who are listenin’. I’m talkin’ bout Victoria’s Secret. Now mind you, this was new to me, and I’m sure there are many of you reading this who already knew the secret and have already moved on to the next thing, but me, no no no, I wanted to stick around for a while and enjoy the splendor it had to offer.

In the world of vanity, everything tastes so damn good; unfortunately it all has a price, and boy is that price f**kin’ high. It’ll cost you an arm, a leg, and a kidney. Can’t speak for no one else but myself, but I must say I have had a taste from time to time for no money down. I mean, I’m not the most elaborate creation God made, but I sure can max-out every-so-often. Damn can I ever play the cards I was dealt when it counts, and sometimes the suit I was stitched in looks impressive to even myself.

I think my expectations have taken a turn for the worse when I was introduce to grade-A honey pots, but don’t think I’m not working on myself with introspective endeavors. It’s just that when you taste ambrosia, apples and oranges seem so-so. I guess I really do have to adjust my goggles and see things for what they are, but I have put forth effort in vain; could just be something I’m doing wrong though. You just never know with things like this, life gets confusing on this level.

So the moment of truth comes when I have to decided if I want to Blackmail Lady V. and play the game to win, or do I retain my integrity and keep strikin’ out hopin’ to hit a homerun like I’ve been doing. It’s tempting to just take the cake, eat it, and then have ice cream afterward, but I don’t know if I could look in the mirror after I did such a thing; skipping steps is what hurt me the most, I went from not doin’ a damn thing, to doin’ it big, from crawling to f**kin’ flyin’.

It’s not like Victoria made it easy for me, she was actually quite mean at times. I’ve never been the type to hold a grudge though, so I guess I’ll just wait on it for a bit; my patience is wearing thin though.

-Shaum

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I'm in love with a stripper.

No not really, but I must say that these kinds of girls seem to gravitate toward me. I don’t get it; all I ever wanted was a nice classy girl who is as crazy about me as I am about her. All I seem to run into are heartless, shameless women who only want one thing. It’s so common now that I don’t even bother trying to hook up with a classy girl anymore; it always turns out the same way. I mean, I have good conversational skills, I compliment in the best ways, and I’m a good listener. Where the hell did I go wrong?

I really miss middle school and high school, those where some of my most bittersweet years. I admit, school did suck, a lot, but the girls where pretty awesome at that time. I always ended up hooking up with a girl from a different school then me, but it was still a great time for me. Unfortunately I never had the best luck, so something horrible would always happen before I could enjoy the rewards of a good relationship, but the fact that the girls where so much more aggressive back then was great. I mean, I really hate feeling as if I’m making some random girl miserable by trying to get to know her when she just wants to be left alone, but I mean, it’s not like she’d come to me yourself right?

I guess I’m just not selfish enough to be with a classy woman, and maybe I want certain ingredients to mix that just won’t in real life. Strippers are aggressive, they move in ways that make me snake hiss, and they just know what to say, when to say it and how to say it. They tend to be the most gorgeous creatures alive, but their hearts are practically made of stone. You can forget about getting them to open up their hearts to you; that shit just won’t happen.

I can’t really say I’ve been hurt by a stripper girl, but I do tend to get attached and have to remind myself that there is nothing there but a good time for as long as it lasts. I want more then that, and these sexy divas from exotic dancers to runway models are just too coarse. Does this mean that all the girls who have the smallest ounce of interest in me are only the ones who are beyond loving? Do I only attract the heartless harpies of the earth or what?

I just want to feel free to be crazy about a girl and know it’s not a feeling that is misplaced. Any girl who might actually be wife material doesn’t seem to want to have the least amount to do with me. So what do I do? I can’t make someone love me. I guess as a Jersey boy, I take some getting used to, but I don’t want to be an acquired taste. This is bullshit, and my heart is just lying in my chest being unused. It would be cool to have a nice girl who is just crazy about me, and I can be crazy about her and have it grow to something amazing.

Until then, I’m just some guy who certain types of girls want to f**k and we go our separate ways, be someone’s cougar bait, or just be some poor girls rebound. “I want to be the guy”, is that too much to ask for? Until then it’s strippers, models and fast @$$ girls for me, until I somehow get better pheromones workin’ in my favor; such a sad existence for a guy who just wants to love someone, but simply isn't allowed to.

So I guess I’ll just have to settle for something more exotic, and not in a good way either.

-Shaum

Oh, I think she like me!

Relaxing in the wholesome emptiness of the mountains I find kicking my feet up to serve me well. Never have I had lady luck sit in my lap so willingly, she practically fell in it. It’s moments like this that you wouldn’t know what to do with her if she actually did it to you huh? Fortunately for me, I’ve been chasing her for so long I already had an idea of how such a circumstance will play out in advance. So it’s when I take a break from pulling at her skirt that she comes looking for me instead.

So now I’m left to wonder if this is how it works, or if this was just a rare once-in-a-lifetime occurrence of karmatic breakdown, advantage me. So if I look up at her and grin, grab er’ tightly by the hips, and show er’ exactly what it is I’ve been saying for years, what happens then? I consider myself an over-thinker, but I would say I didn’t give this one too much thought. The hell with anything else, I gave her the business minus the “lip-service” b!#ch, and I wasn’t f**kin’ around either.

You see, this wasn’t about trying to prove anything to anybody, not even myself. I just wanted this for too long, and I showed it, I was straight on my win sh!#; now I’m sure lady luck probably won’t marry my @$$, but I’m sure she’ll be addin’ me to the speed dial though. So now it’s up to me to keep it 100. Not gonna lie and say I never pissed on a good thing before, I’m sure everybody has once in their life, but not this time, not me babe; this is a new day.

All this just when I kick my feet up; now I could get all nervous and sh!# and start second-guessing myself, but f**k that, who has time for it? It happened, and the next time it happens Imma pull er’ by the hair and crush er’ @$$ like a Coke can; right after drainin’ every once of sweetness she has in her. You better believe I’m gonna exhale the anthem of satisfied thirst after it too. I know this might seem passionless of me to say, but I’m sick of walkin’ on egg shells.

So today I came from behind, put my arms around her and told er’ a few things I knew she’d like to hear. I heard her giggle a little before slipping from my grasp. I grabbed her by her belt loop and jerked her back to me, kissin’ her slam on the mouth. I lift her chin up and look’d her dead in the eyes. I’m not that lost boy anymore and I think she saw it, when her playful grin turned into a serious stare as if she wanted me back, I knew I was doin’ it right.

“Just keep it 100” I said to myself. “Just keep it 100.”

-Shaum

Dancing with Eureka

It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream, I really don’t have them too often; I had two in one week. One was disappointing and made me approach certain fears I’d been running from, things I buried deep in my psyche. In the more recent dream I prevailed at the end; it was a lot the things I had forgotten about and had to deal with first hand quite a while back. Both dreams came together to form one whole picture, quite amazing if you ask me.


So in my dream, I ask this girl to dance, and she says, “Oh, I don’t dan…” and just then, I scoop her up and we dance on some type of floor that seemed like ice. It was sort of like the stuff you see on TV when the Olympics are on, but I wasn’t dancing as gay as the dudes that usually do the ice-skating thing. So anyhow, I took some risks that would have her fall or stand on her own.

My fear was letting her stand on her own, as if she would blame me for putting her in a situation she cannot handle. When the girl tried to say “I don’t dance” or maybe “I can’t dance” it was the equivalent to “I can’t swim” in my eyes, and it was as if I pushed her in the deep end of the pool. However, I quickly realized it was not the same thing, no ones life was at risk here; the most she could suffer is a bruised ego, or bumped knee.

I understood right then It wasn’t that I didn’t trust women in my life because they didn’t deserve it; it was more of me not trusting myself. I don’t trust in my faith in others, which was not really what I was expecting to find when I looked deep inside myself. I have to trust that “she”, whoever she is, is just as able as I. I have to trust that she can hold her own, and realize that “female” does not mean “fragile”.

So in the end I have to realize that there are women who are likely stronger then I am, and maybe those are the type of women I need to associate myself with. I don’t need to be anyone’s hero, or some knight in shining armor to rescues some damsel in distress. Sometimes the battle calls for two fighters, so maybe I should fight the battles beside “her” instead of trying to fight them for “her”.

I do believe that “anything worth keeping is worth fighting for”, but I guess you still have to pick your battles either way. I think I can discern them from this point on.

-Shaum

Lost in Translation?

It’s been a while since I’ve done some introspective studying, so I decided to do some yesterday and I didn’t like what I saw. When did I become this new person I don’t like? It felt like just yesterday I was becoming everything I ever wanted to be, but somehow I got lost along the way. Now I’m scared for my future, as I don’t know how far off I strayed from where I wanted to be, or how long it will take to get there now. I also worry if I can afford the amount it will take to go back to where I took a wrong turn, and if I can even find that place.

I remember when I used to be the most gentle and caring person I knew. I really have never met a more caring, empathic and understanding human being like myself, even if the others I knew came very close. I never meant to change that part of myself, but it never really seemed very useful when it came to achieving my own goals. Most times that energy went into helping others become more, and then I would always be left behind with nothing to show for it. I never meant to throw it away, but it seems like I lost my ability to feel what others are feeling. Where did it go?

I was also an emotional wreck at times because I could never really contain all of those emotions at one time, so I had to learn to choose who I let in; when I did, I often wound up being a counselor to someone I wanted to be much more to. Instead of being the “good listener boyfriend”, I often became the “guy-to-go-to” or the “shoulder to cry on”. I didn’t want to be that guy forever, especially when I had so much more in me to give. I guess all of my other good traits got lost in translation; I really don’t know. I never wanted to be a cold-hearted bastard though, what the hell happened to me in such a short time?

Maybe it all went wrong with the last girl I truly loved, or maybe it all went wrong when I went to war with my school staff? It’s really hard to believe I lost so much of myself without even noticing. One of the things I was never good at is being cruel, I mean, I remember people used to attack me verbally because I was so bad at it, and I often regretted the fact I didn’t have a sharp tongue at times. But now, my tongue is so sharp I often hurt people when I don’t mean to. It seems that when I try to console others now, it takes more effort to say the right thing then to say the wrong thing.

It feels like I’ve chosen the dark side and I want to go back to the light, but I am also afraid that if I go back I’ll have to start all over again. I don’t want to be that lost little boy who doesn’t know what he wants in life at my age. It was too much work, and I shed too many tears. I really feel as if I am lost at sea. I stopped looking for love, I don’t have any women in my life that I trust, I have forsaken my art by selling out and I am pursuing an endeavor that doesn’t really interest me. I just wanted to be happy, that’s all. What have I done? I can’t tell where I’m going anymore, I’m truly driving blind.

Changing is really a serious option to consider for me right this moment, but I might lose everything I’ve worked for in the process. I don’t want to be an old man who made a poor “life changing decision” because he was “feeling bad” and regret it for the rest of my life. When I was kind, positive and gentle, I was also the target of abuse, but then I became tougher, and I could hold my own, but somehow I went overboard. I haven’t had a good crying session in quite a while. Maybe I need to go somewhere and get out a good tear or two. I just hope I don't drown myself in them so deep that I can’t ever swim out again.

-Shaum