Now, I don’t know about you, but me, I like me some tight spandex pants on a beastin’ body. I just do, I mean, I could tell you why, but you’d never understand. It’s kinda like tryin to tell you all the reasons why you should watch football/WWE with me on Sunday instead of the Lifetime channel. It’s like try’na explain to Kanye West, the meaning of the word “moderation”. You just won’t get it.
The thing that made me bring this up is the ridiculous questions you ladies ask when I say I like somethin’ or I don’t. Askin “why” is bad enough. I mean seriously woman, I know you looked in the mirror before you came out tha house today, you know why I’m lookin at you, and it’s not because I’m wondering how intelligent you are. I would love to find that out later though, but first I need a closer look at that lovely package you got ther’.
I want to ask you a question now, how in-the-f**k did you get those tights on? I mean it’s not like I’m complainin’, but damn, just… look at that $#!t, it’s impressive all by itself, not even adding in the fact that your lookin right as $#!t, but gawd damn! You know what? I’ll make it simple for you. “I like the way you’re dressed right now because it looks like you just have on a shirt, no pants, and somebody just painted a bunch of pretty flowers and roses on your fine, juicy, delicious lookin’ buttocks.”
Seriously though, there is no way to tell you how right you look without sounding offensive, better yet, if I even tried to sound romantic, or sophisticated wit’ it, It would sound corny as $#!t, and phony as $#!t. I remember everyone was trippin’ off me messin’ with a blonde chick a while back, but this was the reason why I was so crazy about her @$$. I mean, did you see how she was lookin’ on those odd days? I gotta admit I was the one who bought her those tight black yoga pants, and damn was it worth it!
The point is, I’m not as shallow as you may think, and I don’t just like a girl for one thing. Tights are just my kryptonite, I can’t help it; that’s just the way it is. How about I do you one better and let you in on a secret. If you ask me to do somethin’, or I’m mad at you and you want to have things ya way, just toss on a pair of skin-tight sweatpants and sit on ma lap. I promise I’ll do anything you ask.
Seriously, I will… no bull$#!t.
-Shaum
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