40/40 Club.

I was sittin’ on the curb noddin’ ma’ head to that new “###-#” album flowin’ from the I-pod; the pavement was under ma feet, I could feel it quake when I tapped it to solid foundation. The music seemed to get louder without the volume button, and I started to zone out. I was lookin’ to the blackness of the streets until it started to fade away, and I could see through everything. $#!t started to make sense now, all the questions I used to ask before all started to come back to me. “I got this” I said.

I had to take a walk to get wind of the times, it was the perfect day. Minus the music player, I could still hear the words from the Professor of vocal dexterity; he was beastin’ on the mic tellin’ his life story. I understood; he was on another level all together. You gotta choose, or let your life choose for you. I wasn’t mad, but I had to get serious now, cuz he was droppin’ jewels I heard before, but I didn’t listen to. I was listenin’ now. “I need answers “###”, what are you tryin’ to tell me?”

I had to keep walkin’, I had to take off ma shirt cuz it was getting’ hot out there, but then I finally heard, no I listened. I stood in the middle of the street and really started to look around. “Nobody else gets it” I thought, and people honk their horns. I moved out of the way, and when they pass by and go to curse me, the energy knocks them off balance; they feel it too but don’t understand it. I was liberated when my eye opened up, I was tempted to throw up a diamond, but I knew what it really was…

I looked down to study who I really was, and it was just a costume, the real me was the one who finally saw the truth. This costume wasn’t enough, it might have seemed like it, but that was an illusion. “It’s a gateway” I said aloud. “It’s like the same thing when you’re tipsy”, I was just high on ma’self for a while. This was a crash course and I just so happened to hit the brakes before I slammed into a brick wall. I felt relieved, almost as if I almost stepped into an open manhole but stopped to tie ma shoes.

“I’m starting to see what I need to do” I though to myself, it’s a challenge on two ends of the spectrum, and conquering just one isn’t enough. I can’t call myself anything close to elite until I achieve such greatness; only then can I comfortably dwell among the greats who did it before me. I wish I could feel this way all the time, but that is much too difficult for me. After I absorb it all, I turn around to head home and set things in order.

“Damn, I hope they reserved me a seat; I just need a little more time.”

-Shaum

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Lost in Translation?

It’s been a while since I’ve done some introspective studying, so I decided to do some yesterday and I didn’t like what I saw. When did I become this new person I don’t like? It felt like just yesterday I was becoming everything I ever wanted to be, but somehow I got lost along the way. Now I’m scared for my future, as I don’t know how far off I strayed from where I wanted to be, or how long it will take to get there now. I also worry if I can afford the amount it will take to go back to where I took a wrong turn, and if I can even find that place.

I remember when I used to be the most gentle and caring person I knew. I really have never met a more caring, empathic and understanding human being like myself, even if the others I knew came very close. I never meant to change that part of myself, but it never really seemed very useful when it came to achieving my own goals. Most times that energy went into helping others become more, and then I would always be left behind with nothing to show for it. I never meant to throw it away, but it seems like I lost my ability to feel what others are feeling. Where did it go?

I was also an emotional wreck at times because I could never really contain all of those emotions at one time, so I had to learn to choose who I let in; when I did, I often wound up being a counselor to someone I wanted to be much more to. Instead of being the “good listener boyfriend”, I often became the “guy-to-go-to” or the “shoulder to cry on”. I didn’t want to be that guy forever, especially when I had so much more in me to give. I guess all of my other good traits got lost in translation; I really don’t know. I never wanted to be a cold-hearted bastard though, what the hell happened to me in such a short time?

Maybe it all went wrong with the last girl I truly loved, or maybe it all went wrong when I went to war with my school staff? It’s really hard to believe I lost so much of myself without even noticing. One of the things I was never good at is being cruel, I mean, I remember people used to attack me verbally because I was so bad at it, and I often regretted the fact I didn’t have a sharp tongue at times. But now, my tongue is so sharp I often hurt people when I don’t mean to. It seems that when I try to console others now, it takes more effort to say the right thing then to say the wrong thing.

It feels like I’ve chosen the dark side and I want to go back to the light, but I am also afraid that if I go back I’ll have to start all over again. I don’t want to be that lost little boy who doesn’t know what he wants in life at my age. It was too much work, and I shed too many tears. I really feel as if I am lost at sea. I stopped looking for love, I don’t have any women in my life that I trust, I have forsaken my art by selling out and I am pursuing an endeavor that doesn’t really interest me. I just wanted to be happy, that’s all. What have I done? I can’t tell where I’m going anymore, I’m truly driving blind.

Changing is really a serious option to consider for me right this moment, but I might lose everything I’ve worked for in the process. I don’t want to be an old man who made a poor “life changing decision” because he was “feeling bad” and regret it for the rest of my life. When I was kind, positive and gentle, I was also the target of abuse, but then I became tougher, and I could hold my own, but somehow I went overboard. I haven’t had a good crying session in quite a while. Maybe I need to go somewhere and get out a good tear or two. I just hope I don't drown myself in them so deep that I can’t ever swim out again.

-Shaum