Perfect 10

So the story goes kinda like this, I see girl, I think girl looks amazing, I think girl looks a little TOO amazing, I am pretty convinced girl is the finest thing I’ve ever seen, I conclude I could never hook up with girl in 1000 years, I leave girl alone for now. As funny as this all may sound, I went even farther with it after I was able to review some of her previous work. I said to myself, “This girl doesn’t like guys, I can tell”.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know you are thinking that I probably made this excuse up as a way of making myself feel better about her being out of my league; I even thought I was doing this, but the more I saw her work, the more I said to myself “There is no man on earth who could pull that, there can’t be… she has to be gay, there is no other possible plot twist to this story”! If in fact there was a time she was straight (which I doubt), I am sure the guy who was lucky enough to be her man was blessed by the heavens, and I seriously hate him if he exists.

Aside from the comedy of this interesting circumstance, I actually had the chance to confirm my suspicions on a few occasions, and it gets worse. It appears that if she does like just girls, they ALSO have to be hot-as-hell too! WOW! So now I’m like, if you are a guy who’s interested in her, you have to look better then or equal to her or your S.O.L. This is all running through my mind every-so-often, and it always starts with me having to review her portfolio for one reason or another. So I say to myself, “I want to employ her for some of my own projects, I need a closer look at this mysterious woman”.

Please don’t forget, I had already made up my mind that there could never be anything between us, I mean… she’s amazing. Perfect smile, perfect legs, perfect feet, perfect build, perfect hair, perfect voice, perfect vocabulary and a perfect walk, just… perfect everything. This girl is so perfect that when she walks past, you can feel her ambiance penetrate your spirit, then set it on fire right after! She’s a bad biish, and I kid you in NO such way! However, in this strange turn of events when her and I where able to make direct contact… it was different.

On a usual day she seems distant, avoidant, flaky, and phony… sort of like she is being nice because it’s what people do, not necessarily because that’s the person she is. Now this may seem like something a hater would say, and don’t get me wrong, I probably was one at first, but this time it was different. I think for the first time she actually saw me, not when you physically see someone because they are in front of you, no, not like that. I think she actually “saw” me, I say that in the manner as if “I stood out from the crowd”.

Of course this could have been my vivid imagination, and I didn’t doubt that one bit, but it was when she came back to hang around for a while was I totally sure. “No way…” I said to myself, “No f**kin’ way…”. If I actually managed to pull this rare jewel, it would feel like winning the “pick-6 lotto”, I would probably pass the hell out, and wake up in an ambulance. Naw, seriously though, I would excuse myself to the restroom and celebrate like a mad-man though. Finally, it was when I smiled at her that I was sure my suspicions where accurate, and when her almost as equally gorgeous girlfriend had come, drag her away, and gave me the “ice grill” it was a wrap.

If this story ends the way I think it will, no one, and I mean “not a damn soul” can tell me I ain’t GAWD. I’m not really into chasing dreams though; I’m more interested making them a reality… I tell you one thing though, I’m not into sabotaging relationships or coming between people, but if on some odd day she comes to me poppin’ that lip gloss in my ear, the word “no” will not be escaping my mouth. She better watch her girlfriend… closely…

…and here I am droppin’ dimes.

-Shaum

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Damn baby, that’s tight!

Now, I don’t know about you, but me, I like me some tight spandex pants on a beastin’ body. I just do, I mean, I could tell you why, but you’d never understand. It’s kinda like tryin to tell you all the reasons why you should watch football/WWE with me on Sunday instead of the Lifetime channel. It’s like try’na explain to Kanye West, the meaning of the word “moderation”. You just won’t get it.

The thing that made me bring this up is the ridiculous questions you ladies ask when I say I like somethin’ or I don’t. Askin “why” is bad enough. I mean seriously woman, I know you looked in the mirror before you came out tha house today, you know why I’m lookin at you, and it’s not because I’m wondering how intelligent you are. I would love to find that out later though, but first I need a closer look at that lovely package you got ther’.

I want to ask you a question now, how in-the-f**k did you get those tights on? I mean it’s not like I’m complainin’, but damn, just… look at that $#!t, it’s impressive all by itself, not even adding in the fact that your lookin right as $#!t, but gawd damn! You know what? I’ll make it simple for you. “I like the way you’re dressed right now because it looks like you just have on a shirt, no pants, and somebody just painted a bunch of pretty flowers and roses on your fine, juicy, delicious lookin’ buttocks.”

Seriously though, there is no way to tell you how right you look without sounding offensive, better yet, if I even tried to sound romantic, or sophisticated wit’ it, It would sound corny as $#!t, and phony as $#!t. I remember everyone was trippin’ off me messin’ with a blonde chick a while back, but this was the reason why I was so crazy about her @$$. I mean, did you see how she was lookin’ on those odd days? I gotta admit I was the one who bought her those tight black yoga pants, and damn was it worth it!

The point is, I’m not as shallow as you may think, and I don’t just like a girl for one thing. Tights are just my kryptonite, I can’t help it; that’s just the way it is. How about I do you one better and let you in on a secret. If you ask me to do somethin’, or I’m mad at you and you want to have things ya way, just toss on a pair of skin-tight sweatpants and sit on ma lap. I promise I’ll do anything you ask.

Seriously, I will… no bull$#!t.

-Shaum

TweetFollow @streetpoet007