It’s been a while since I’ve done some introspective studying, so I decided to do some yesterday and I didn’t like what I saw. When did I become this new person I don’t like? It felt like just yesterday I was becoming everything I ever wanted to be, but somehow I got lost along the way. Now I’m scared for my future, as I don’t know how far off I strayed from where I wanted to be, or how long it will take to get there now. I also worry if I can afford the amount it will take to go back to where I took a wrong turn, and if I can even find that place.
I remember when I used to be the most gentle and caring person I knew. I really have never met a more caring, empathic and understanding human being like myself, even if the others I knew came very close. I never meant to change that part of myself, but it never really seemed very useful when it came to achieving my own goals. Most times that energy went into helping others become more, and then I would always be left behind with nothing to show for it. I never meant to throw it away, but it seems like I lost my ability to feel what others are feeling. Where did it go?
I was also an emotional wreck at times because I could never really contain all of those emotions at one time, so I had to learn to choose who I let in; when I did, I often wound up being a counselor to someone I wanted to be much more to. Instead of being the “good listener boyfriend”, I often became the “guy-to-go-to” or the “shoulder to cry on”. I didn’t want to be that guy forever, especially when I had so much more in me to give. I guess all of my other good traits got lost in translation; I really don’t know. I never wanted to be a cold-hearted bastard though, what the hell happened to me in such a short time?
Maybe it all went wrong with the last girl I truly loved, or maybe it all went wrong when I went to war with my school staff? It’s really hard to believe I lost so much of myself without even noticing. One of the things I was never good at is being cruel, I mean, I remember people used to attack me verbally because I was so bad at it, and I often regretted the fact I didn’t have a sharp tongue at times. But now, my tongue is so sharp I often hurt people when I don’t mean to. It seems that when I try to console others now, it takes more effort to say the right thing then to say the wrong thing.
It feels like I’ve chosen the dark side and I want to go back to the light, but I am also afraid that if I go back I’ll have to start all over again. I don’t want to be that lost little boy who doesn’t know what he wants in life at my age. It was too much work, and I shed too many tears. I really feel as if I am lost at sea. I stopped looking for love, I don’t have any women in my life that I trust, I have forsaken my art by selling out and I am pursuing an endeavor that doesn’t really interest me. I just wanted to be happy, that’s all. What have I done? I can’t tell where I’m going anymore, I’m truly driving blind.
Changing is really a serious option to consider for me right this moment, but I might lose everything I’ve worked for in the process. I don’t want to be an old man who made a poor “life changing decision” because he was “feeling bad” and regret it for the rest of my life. When I was kind, positive and gentle, I was also the target of abuse, but then I became tougher, and I could hold my own, but somehow I went overboard. I haven’t had a good crying session in quite a while. Maybe I need to go somewhere and get out a good tear or two. I just hope I don't drown myself in them so deep that I can’t ever swim out again.
-Shaum
This will be the last entry I share concerning my misadventures in life concerning the fairer sex. My desire and appreciation for the amazing elements that make a woman will never fade, but I believe my interest is shifting to investing time in things more lasting, more meaningful and of more valuable quality. I mean that for a lot of things including relationships, career, goals, projects and so forth. Now is the time to treat the one thing I appreciate most in the world with the care and attention it deserves.
